Sunday, June 13, 2010

It's the Little Engine

It's been a LONG time. Yup, it sure has. I'm sorry. I had to decide to take my computer off of life support and it affected me. I'm on my sweetie's laptop. I don't know what I have against laptops, but I don't like them nearly as well. I miss my little, powerful, crazycool Mac. I could get it fixed, I know, but with the wedding coming up, it's just not a priority when I can use the (spit) laptop.

So. It's been two months. What have I accomplished in those two months? Well.. I gained three pounds while on vacation last week. I spent a lot of time beating myself up. I spent much energy berating myself. I have spent maybe half of that energy trying to motivate myself. Hm. My math seems to be off. I've made many wedding plans. I have gained another bridesmaid. I'm totally thrilled about that.

I've decided (again) that it's time for the no-nonsense approach to dieting. I mean, seriously, every breakfast cannot be a Mexican buffet like it was last week. But, oh man, was it ever delicious! Exercise cannot consist of floating around in the ocean, and walking from the pool to the beach to the pool to the chair to the suite. I cannot drink a margarita (or three) every day. Seriously! I have to get into a very fancy and expensive dress soon!

Okay. So, I have plan. Plans are good, right? I cannot continue to make excuses for my bad behaviour. The thing is, I need a plan for my mind as well as my body. The idea is to let go of fear, right? I found that I was a bit afraid while I was on vacation and I had to really give myself some motivational speeches in order to brave the beach and pool area. There are some really beautiful people out there and I felt totally intimidated. But, I finally convinced myself that what those people thought of me didn't even matter a little bit because I will never see them again, right? Right. So, I did it and I have the adorable freckles to prove it.

I have to believe that I DO have the right to try new things and I DO have the right to fail, even. I don't like to fail. I don't like to make mistakes. I have a hard time viewing them as learning experiences. I'd much rather learn from succeeding, wouldn't you? I know that into every life a little failure much fall, but it really sets me back. How do you guys deal with that? (Please don't tell me that I'm the only one with this problem.)

Tomorrow is Monday, but I believe that today is the beginning of the week. I should be in church. I planned to go today, but my stomach started acting weird last night and it carried over into this morning. I didn't want my first church experience involve everyone turning to look at me after my tum made a growly/rumbly noise. So, I'm on a mental diet starting today. NO negative thoughts. Regular prayer. Doing what I know I should even if it hurts. Even if I don't want to. Because, really, Diva, when has doing the easy, painless thing ever gotten you where you want to be? Food-wise, the diet is pretty easy. I'm not on vacay anymore, so I can only eat what I prepare or purchase. I feel pretty golden about that. I'm a little more iffy on the whole mental part of it. Does anyone else have to talk themselves up? What's the deal with that?

I know this post is rambly and weird. I have to get back in the groove. All three of you that read this (if that many) will forgive me, I'm sure. If you saw my adorable freckly face and cute smile you couldn't resist. I will try to post more regularly. Weekly, even. I can do it. (I think I can, I think I can..)

Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Heart of the Matter

I'm pissed off. I'm angry. I'm restless. I went to the gym today, spent an hour working out. I spent a few more hours in the sun, relaxing while my laundry washed. I played with my dog, with the dog next door and basically enjoyed some time to myself. So, where's this hostility coming from? Hell if I know, but here are some ideas.

Is it because a friend lied to me today? Who said one thing and did another? Who didn't think that I'd figure it out? It wasn't just a theory of mine, it was unknowingly confirmed by said "friend."

Is it because Sweetie doesn't seem as consumed by wedding stuff as me? Is it because I seem to be the only one crunching numbers? I mean, I know Sweetie takes care of the big bills. I know that. But, we have committed ourselves now and it's time to make sure that we can meet all of our obligations. I know we can, I know this. I just like to be reassured.

Is it because after six full days without sugar, I gave in and had a couple bites of cake? The immediate headache was NOT worth it. The cake wasn't even that good. Guess I can cross off that bakery from the wedding list.

Is it because I didn't get enough sleep last night? Going to bed in the wee hours of the morning and getting up with the sun doesn't make this Diva happy.

Truthfully, we all know that it's all of these things that makes me unhappy. But, it's the friend that let me down that bothers me the most. I work with the public. I have since I was 20. After all of the thousands and thousands of people that I have encountered, it still amazes me when when someone is rude. I'm still surprised. When someone disappoints me, it's a big damn deal. Sweetie says that my standards are too high. He is quicker to forgive. Basically, I feel that if I (of all people) can be kind, can be polite, can do what I say I will do, then ANYfuckingONE can do the same damn thing. I'm not perfect, I'm not special, and I still manage to NOT freaking lie.

Anyone have any theories on why this bothers me so much? I mean, this lie was about something so stupid, it wasn't even worth lying about. I don't need anyone to protect my feelings by freaking LYING to me. If you don't want to or aren't able to do something just freaking say so already! Be honest. Don't lie to me, ever. Maybe I should say, if you do lie to me, make sure I never find out. Our relationship will forever be altered. Man. I really need to work on that forgiveness stuff.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

They Wobble, But They Don't Fall Down

Today is gloomy. Yesterday was amazing! Sweetie is working. This weekend is shaping up to be awesome. So, today's topic? I'm not sure. A friend once told me that I need to blog more often. "Writers write," he said. Yeah, I know. I'm a busy girl. Sometimes I'm just busy being lazy.

My brain works sometimes even when I don't realize it. Sometimes, seemingly out of the blue, I'll come to a conclusion. Two days after a nothing-special conversation between Sweetie and I, I was working. I stopped dead in my tracks. I could show you exactly where I was and said to myself, "he's going to propose." I talked myself out of it, but it turns out that I was right. I wasn't even consciously thinking about it. I picture the inside of my brain to be full of little Fisher-Price looking people.. you know, kinda like Weebles? And, there are stacks and stacks and stacks of files as tall as the eye can see. There are sohpisticated ladders to reach each file drawer. The file cabinets surround groups of tables and on the second floor there is Command Central. I picture it to look like the airport where they organize all the flights.. kinda like the NASA with screens and switches and technology everywhere. These are the bosses. The guys searching the files are the workers. Equally important, they just have different jobs. So, when I have a question or am trying to remember something, the bosses send word down to the workers and then... They're OFF! Frantically searching, looking through files, papers scattering, until Eureka! There it is! The ANSWER! Then, they radio up to the bosses and the bosses pass the message on to me. Sometimes there just aren't any pressing questions. So, they just randomly pull out files and look at them or they organize the papers from the last big crisis. Sometimes they just have coffee and vending machine snacks and hypothisize on my life. They replay conversations. They look for subtext. They notify the bosses when maybe I should have looked at a problem from a different point of view. They are constantly filling out Correction Of Error reports. I'm continuously receiving information. Once in a while, they say, "Oh.. Lookee here. So-and-so is having an affair. Here's why we think so." Or, "This right here? This is changing. This here X will be a Y in a few days or weeks." I call it my Intuition. I've been told that I'm pretty intuitive. I can "guess" things before they happen. I predict things. However, I can't take all the credit. It's my Weebles. Sometimes, though, the Weebles try to protect me. Sometimes things happen that just totally throw me for a loop. Like when I found out that my brother had a drug addiction? Totally cracked my world. I couldn't believe it. Of course, looking back, you can see all the signs. I wonder if the Weebles have a special task force that say things like, "Nope. This is too damaging. Let's keep this in the dark until she finds out on her own." I wonder if I should call them the Denial Weebles.

Often, I'll have a question that I doesn't get an immediate answer. I picture the Weebles pulling an all nighter while I sleep. I can see a Boss Weeble getting everyone into a football huddle and saying, "Okay. She's sleeping. There are no pressing needs, so let's get this answer!" When I wake, and I'm doing some mundane task like brushing my teeth, I'll say, "Oh, yeah! I remember!" Then, all the Weebles cheer and go to bed while the next shift of Weebles take over.

When I don't go to the gym for two weeks, or blog for weeks.. I think that the motivational team of Weebles must be on vacation. They are sitting on a beach somewhere and they didn't leave enough instruction for the subsitute Weebles. But, I think they're back now. I went to the gym yesterday and I'm blogging today. Okay, so maybe it's not a stellar post and maybe my workout could have been more intense, but I'm DOING it, okay? Shut it, Spuds. Go write about some poop or something.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Dress

So, dress shopping was just as painful as I thought it would be. Racks and racks of size 10 dresses, but only FOUR in my size to try on. :sigh: Glad I didn't try to tell myself that it would be okay. I tried a few on, they looked okay. Not amazing, but suitable. My sister pulled a dress that I thought was gorgeous, but it was a size 12. Bridal dresses run small, y'all! I could maybe get one leg in there. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, but I loved that dress. The consultant wheeled the floor length mirror to the front of my dressing room and I held the dress up to my body. Instantly, I knew. My body went hot then cold then hot again and the tears started welling up. I could feel my face turning red. I couldn't stop looking at myself! I didn't even know that this is how I wanted to look on my wedding day. I turned and saw my mom crying, my sister was crying, and my bridesmaid (who swore she wouldn't) crying. This was the dress. But, I couldn't logically see myself spending this big chunk of money on a dress that I couldn't put on my body. So, I traveled to two other bridal shops and tried on a dresses with a similar style and the same brand, and I think it'll be okay. The seamstress took my measurements and ordered the size that I need. It'll fit the body I have right now. If it doesn't, they can do magical sewing that only she and I will know about to make it fit. Dress shopping took EIGHT HOURS. I was tired, hungry, and thirsty by the time we were finished. I truly believe that I got the right dress. I'll get my beautiful, perfect dress this summer. I may never eat again.

I think I have a photographer. I kinda think I might have a crush on her. We'll meet with her at the end of this month. Next, I have to figure out invitations. Then, the cake. Then, flowers. Then, I hope the rest just falls into place. I'm not scared anymore about the wedding planning. Yay! One fear gone! Now, I just have to maintain my work outs and diet. Not that I'm ON a diet, I just have to watch my diet. Sounds easy, right? :) Riiiggghhhht. I'm excited. I can, I will do this. I can. I will. I'm kinda looking forward to making up new meal plans and trying new recipes. Life is so sweet.

Sweetie and I are so blessed. We got some awesome financial news that we weren't expecting. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Sometimes I think that if you just do what you are supposed to do, if you do what is RIGHT (even if it isn't easy) you'll be rewarded. If you try to be the best you can be, He'll send you help. I don't necessarily mean financial rewards, either. It could be good health, it could be good opportunities, it could be a close parking space at Wal-Mart when you're exhausted after a long day. Or, a rainbow sighting. Or, a random compliment. You get the idea. All of us are blessed. Some of us just don't choose to see it that way.

Okay, I'm out.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Many Questions, No Answers

Hello. So, I've been struggling to make it to the gym five times a week. I had two stellar weeks of five visits.. one week of no visits.. and last week I managed two visits. Let me just say, however, that I WANTED to go three more times last week but I just couldn't. I had some outpatient surgery done and exercise was just not in the cards for me. I have been thinking, tho. Why is it that I can start doing something and then just stop? What is it in my head that convinces me that I don't really need to continue?

I was so excited for Valentine's Day Sunday. Not because of any gifts that I may give or receive, mind you. I was excited that one of my favorite shows was having it's season premier. Ruby. Oh, but I love Ruby. She once weighed 716 lbs and at the beginning of this season she was down to 337 or something like that. She started the show at over 400 lbs. She lives in Savannah, GA and has the sweetest and most annoying southern accent. Anyway. During the show she talked with someone from her local AA chapter who basically told her she was in denial. Hello! That hit home for me. Ruby was talking about how the 12 steps didn't really apply to her. The woman said that once you are sober with the food, the real reason you overeat will come out. I was trying to apply all of this to me, of course, that's what I do. I kinda think that maybe I start a great plan and do very well at the beginning. Then, the emotions start coming out and to silence them, I eat. I stop taking care of myself and start sedating myself with food. Crazy thing is, I never really feel like I binge. I'm trying to honestly look back at my eating habits and see if there are any binges present.. Sure, I can eat a half a bag of potato chips. I can eat a giant bowl of popcorn. I could probably eat a dozen cookies. Okay, as I'm typing this, I'm seeing binges. That's hard. That really sucks. Wow. Fearless, I am not.

So, how do I beat this? The first of the 12 steps is admitting you're powerless against your addiction, right? (Never in my life have I considered myself a food addict.) Admitting I'm powerless is TERRIBLY DIFFICULT for me. Have I mentioned I'm a control freak? Except when it comes to myself, I guess. I like being a boss. I like to be in charge. You will never find someone more prepared than me.

Logically, I know that I deserve to be healthy and that taking care of myself is a worthy endeavor. My brain knows that if I want to live the kind of life that I want to live and be the person I want to be, I must be healthy. But, the voices in my head are working against me. They whisper that I'm not really a good person, that I don't deserve to have a great life. In fact, sometimes I wonder when Sweetie is going to realize that the person he's going to marry is horrible. I know in my head that victims of abuse often blame themselves and think that they are the bad one. (I'm a victim of abuse. I hate the word victim, too.) Logically, I know that's not true. How do I make my brain in my heart get on the same page? How do I silence those voices?? Seriously, food isn't working out so well. I sometimes feel like I'm being torn apart. I feel like there is a horrible battle inside of me and it freaking wears me out.

Reading over what I've written, I feel like a whiner. Like a sad, sad little girl who can't get her shit together. Just stop eating so much, stop making excuses, get your ass to the gym and shut it up, right? I wish it were so easy and it pisses me off that it's not. I have so much anger.

I wish I had a neat and clever ending to this post. I don't. Maybe one day I'll get it together. A girl can dream, can't she?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Girl WINS!

In the epic battle of Girl versus Mother Nature, GIRL WON today! I battled the grey gloomy cloudy day and went to the gym. The elliptical and I were BFF's for 45 minutes. On Sunday, my gym doesn't open until 1, so I thought that getting there fifteen minutes later would be cool. I mean, who works out on Sunday, right? (It was my first time.) That gym was PACKED! I had to wait for a machine, which is rare. I was really tempted to walk out and talk Sweetie into going for a walk in the park, but right when I dialed his number, the gym fairy granted my wish. So, I did it. And, thank you to everyone that left me comments regarding my lack of motivation. Yay!

Sweetie asked me if I wanted to go to church with him today. I've never been to church for a regular Sunday service, but our neighbor is a youth minister and has invited us to visit his church. It was a very nice gesture, and I really did want to go, but you know what? I told Sweetie (in a very nice loving way) that I really needed some alone time. Sweetie is a free-lancer so he works whenever work is offered, but this time of year is pretty slow for him. That means when I'm home, he's home. It's usually a good thing, I love being with him. Good thing, too, since we're getting married and all. But, I'm pretty self-contained and I like to have some time to myself to do whatever I want. I really like to blast music in the house while I putter around and that's pretty inconsiderate, right? Unless it's music that we both like, but that's a slim selection. Anyway, I was alone for hours and I loved it!

My schedule this week allows me to go to the gym at least four times without really having to try too hard. To get my fifth workout in, I'll have to go before or after working a mid-shift. That is still a big obstacle. It's not impossible, just unlikely. I'm trying really hard to change my lifestyle. I'm trying to prove to myself that going before/after work is not that big of a deal. I believe that once it becomes a habit, I'll forget that it was ever an issue. I just wanted to let you all know that I did get back on track and I really and truly appreciate everyone that took the time to drop me a note. That Spuds guy sure is bossy, isn't he? He really is such a love and I'm sure he'll be mad that I said that. I ain't skeered.

Friday, February 5, 2010

True Confessions

So, remember how awesome I was last week? I'm the equal amount of NOT awesome this week. Middle TN was covered in snow, so I used that as an excuse to not go to the gym. I did go for a walk around the block with Sweetie. I was off yesterday, so there was not an excuse to avoid the gym, but I managed to not go. I got my hair done instead. I'm off today as well, but it's raining and I don't want to. The voices are saying, "Look. It's Friday. The week is almost over. Why not just start fresh on Sunday?" (My week starts on Sunday. That's how the calendars are set up, people.) So, here it is. Friday. No gym visits. Also, yesterday? I made two batches of lace cookies. The consist of sugar, corn syrup, brown sugar, butter, and almonds with some flour thrown in. I used pecans on the second batch. If you're not familiar with Lace Cookies, they are like thin little pieces of brittle. Totally yum. There's like four cookies left. :sigh:

I have an appt with the reception people today to sign the contract and give them a deposit. I'm already showered, so I can't go to the gym before the appt. Well, I guess if I'm being honest I should just say that I'm choosing not to go before. I could have. I keep telling myself that I can still go later, but truthfully, I probably won't. It's raining and I have such a hard time getting motivated on rainy days. Seriously. I HATE grey rainy days. It's rained so much that now we have mud. I hate mud. It's damn annoying. I want to just pile up on my comfy seat in my bedroom and organize wedding stuff. I want to go over things and file things and pick out stuff and write lists and visit websites. Basically, I want to wallow around in wedding porn. It's a sickness. I desperately hope that it's temporary.

If anyone is reading this and has any motivating pep talks stored up, feel free to comment me. I may just get so pissed off at myself that I freaking just do it and hate it the entire time. Then, afterward, I can feel all smug and proud. I am a little peeved that so many days have gone by and I've not done a single "healthier lifestyle" thing. I only have a limited number of days before dress shopping! Grrr.

Anyway, that's my true story. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Saturday, January 23, 2010


I'm amazing. I'm awesome. You may think I'm bragging, but I'm really just telling it like it is. Ready for my announcement? I've been to the gym FIVE times this week! Yes! Five whole times! This week I've jumped over TWO big hurdles. One: I went to the gym after work. Two: I went to the gym before work. Maybe not a big deal to some folks, but a great big giant deal to me. I'm a creature of routine and when I work a mid-shift (ex., 10-7 or 11-8) I don't really feel like going before OR after. It's just the way it is. I can't seem to get out of bed early enough, and then after work it messes with the whole dinner time thing. Last week I went to the gym five times, too, but it was easier. I had three closing shifts, so it's pretty much a no brainer to go before work. And then, I went on my two days off. Also, pretty easy. Fitting in a workout around my work schedule will be challenging sometimes and I want to know in my head that I can do it. Of course, knowing it and doing it are two different things, but this week I did BOTH. Gosh. It's so good to take care of myself.

Wanna know something weird I do in the shower? (With an opener like that, how can you NOT want to know what it is??) When I'm all naked and looking at myself with honest eyes, I give myself a hug and tell my body that I love it. That I'm taking care of it now, and paying attention to all of the great things it does for me. I mean, really. Our bodies are amazing. They do whatever we tell it to do! Imagine having that much control over someone! (As a control freak, I find that very interesting.) I'm very willful, stubborn, and determined. In the past, I've never been able to apply those characteristics to my health. I see a change coming!

I was talking to a friend of mine and said that I had been doing pretty good with going to the gym and then the holidays hit. She was understanding and sympathetic since we both work in retail. "But," I said, "healthy people go to the gym even during the holidays. I'm going to have to start thinking like that." She said, "Who are those people??" I said, "I dunno, but maybe I need new friends!!" Sweetie and I are going to a birthday celebration for his dad this weekend. Today, in fact. When we were making the plans, in my head I said, "I'll have to go to the gym before we go so I can get my five in this week." What??? When did that voice get in there? I LOVE IT! I repeated that conversation to a girl that works for me and she said that the voice belonged to Healthy Diva. I replied that Healthy Diva better hurry up and get buff because all the other voices in there will soon kick her ass.

I sincerely hope that I stay this motivated. Please please please. I'm thankful that I'm on the right path. I'm thankful that I'm even ABLE to work out. Last year, I had back surgery and was basically a prisoner in my own body for months. I swore that I never wanted that to happen to me again. I can't imagine anything worse. I know in my head that I have to take care of this body, this vehicle that moves my heart and soul and thoughts around if I don't want to end up a burden to my family. Plus, and this is a big deal to me, I have to take care of my body so I can do all the cool things I want to do before I die. I want to go hang-gliding! I want to go snow-boarding! Ever see a fat person do those things?? I haven't. :sigh: There's a long road ahead of me. Right this minute, I think that road will be fun to navigate. I know that I won't always feel this motivated. That's when I need my peeps to help me out! So, if you are tired of hearing me talk about my journey to fearlessness, keep it to yourself. I need to keep this fresh in my mind. I need to keep talking about it. I helps keep me accountable.

So, wedding dress shopping will happen in March. Wonder where I'll be then? Trip to Mexico happens in June. Can't wait to see where I am then! It's so freaking exciting!!!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Gloria Gaynor Has NOTHING On Us!

Today, I miss my sister. When I was younger, I lived about two streets over from her and her family and I would go over to her house every single day after school. I would hang out and play with her two sons. The girls weren't born yet. I would escape from my mom to a place where I was understood. It was kinda like my "Cheers." My sister and her husband knew me, they accepted me, and they understood the craziness that was my home life. When my parents decided to move across the country, I was heartbroken. My sister and her family stayed, and we left. She felt abandoned and I felt uprooted. I no longer had a safe place. The house we moved into was SMALL, and in the middle of freaking nowhere. I had no choice but to learn to deal with my crazy, dysfunctional family. We did the best we could.

I've since grown up, made peace with my mom, and learned to love my crazy family. We're all a bunch of survivors, it turns out. As I've gotten older, I've come to understand my parents. I love them more than I can say. I can't imagine my life without them. I know that they love me so fiercely that it causes them to act a little irrational sometimes. What kid can complain that they are loved too much? I've learned to set up boundaries. I've learned to NOT be the peacemaker. I've learned to just accept them for what they are and understand that they are doing the best they can possibly do. It's true.

But, I'm getting married this year. I know. I'm so freaking happy. I can't think about it without welling up. I'm in the planning process, even though the wedding is several months away. My mom isn't able to help me much. I don't mean financially. I mean, she just doesn't know about these things. She isn't very physically capable, so she won't be able to go and do things with me. I'm not even sure that she'll be able to go dress shopping with me. I have mixed feelings about the dress shopping. It's a tradition. I like that part of it. I love the idea of having a gaggle of gals around me in a little bubble of love. The part where I try to find a dress that fits me, looks good on me, and makes me get all giddy inside - that part kinda sounds fun. The part where I struggle to find a dress that doesn't make me look like the broad side of a barn while my loved ones watch - that part makes me want to cry. So, I want my sister with me. She knows of my internal battle with my external self. She LOVES me, most importantly. I think she loves me more than I love me. (Sometimes, I think that's true of everyone I hold dear.) She will tell me, with love, if a dress looks bad or if it looks good. My mom will inadvertently hurt my feelings. She won't mean to, but she will. In such a highly emotionally charged circumstance, it's unavoidable. There will be tears, both happy and angry. I want my sister with me. My ally. Siblings are the only ones that know exactly what you are going through because they lived it, too. I won't have to say a word to her and she'll get exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. My relationship with my mom is worlds apart from her relationship with my mom. There is almost a decade between my sister and I. She is the product of my mom's first marriage. We have different fathers. My mom was a different person when my sister was growing up. That's the topic for another blog, though.

Today, I miss my sister like crazy. I want to go have coffee with her on my day off and talk about wedding stuff. I want to go shopping with her and talk about our mom. I want to have dinner with her and her family and help her wash dishes after so we can crack jokes in the kitchen. I want to be in the car with her so we can sing at the top of our lungs to our favorite country songs. I want to have deep, meaningful conversations with her and then laugh at our own seriousness. I want her to help me with my make up. I want her encouragement. I need her opinion, I want her approval. I just miss her so much! It's horribly unfair that she lives two freaking thousand miles away! I didn't even know how badly I missed her today until she sent me a text message and I burst into tears! Tears! The text message wasn't even mushy, for God's sake. She was talking about jam. I sent her a sampler of jam for Christmas and she was telling me which flavor she likes better. And, I cried. Good grief.

I'm flying my sister out to go dress shopping with me. I'm counting it as a wedding expense. My sweetie thinks that I should just take his sister and save ourselves some dough, but he doesn't get it. He admits that he doesn't get it. He's not mad about this decision, it's just beyond his understanding. He isn't as crazy close with his family. His family is wonderful, and I'm so blessed to have them for in-laws, but they don't have the same bond that we have. My family is different. We're survivors. We survived each other.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Find me Loose Lipped and Laughing

There are friends that I'm genuinely happy for when good things happen to them. Then there are friends that I can't seem to be happy for without FIRST feeling some envy. Or, jealousy. The friend that just got a new house? Jealous. I want a new house. I'm jealous of her new floors, new appliances, new carpet and hardwood floors, and her new car. I comfort myself by comparing myself to my 'friend.' I'm prettier, she's thinner. She's smart, I'm friendly. In general, I'm sweeter. She may have all of these THINGS that I want for myself, but, and this is where I trump her, I'm HAPPIER. I always win. Why does it have to be a competition? I try telling myself that her (or any one's) success does not take away mine. If she's pretty, it doesn't make me LESS pretty. But, I still compare. The friend with the new house should really be working on her relationship. That's the one thing of hers that I do not want for myself. That forces me to ask, if she had a great relationship, would I be jealous of that, too? Maybe not. Mine is pretty phenomenal.

I have a friend that is getting some dental work done. Her smile will be perfect and I'm more than thrilled for her. She's wanted this for as long as I've known her, and that's a LONG time. She's always smiled with her mouth closed because she wasn't proud of her smile. Even on her wedding day, her photos were with a closed mouth smile. Now, my smile is something that I'm vain about, truthfully. It's not perfect, but it's really nice. Usually genuine. I smile with my whole face. It's genetic. Even though I would LOVE a perfect smile, I'm not even a little bit jealous of her. This same friend has an amazing voice. She sings like an angel. Me? I like to sing and I have a decent voice. When I'm alone, I'm a ROCK STAR! I wish I could sing as well as she does, but I'm still not jealous of her talent.

One of my peers at work got a little promotion. Really, just like a half step up. It's a position that I would not want, even as I do want to move up in the company. She is on her way. I think we are pretty evenly matched, but now that she's taken this position, I believe that she will be thought of first when another managerial position is available. That kinda stings. I'm really happy that she took this promotion because I know she'll be fabulous at her job. Honestly, her taking this job makes my job easier! I'm really happy in my current position and I feel that if I never move up, I'll be content for a good long while.

As I'm typing this, basically thinking in print, I realize that I seem to be jealous when someone is BRAGGING about their good fortune. So, the friends that I'm out and out jealous of aren't really my friends at all. True friends tell me these things not because they are trying to make me want what they have, they are sharing their happiness with me because they know I will be cheering them on. They are looking for someone to celebrate with, and I'm always happy to do that.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Hello, Body. It's nice to finally meet you.

Usually, when I check myself out in the mirror (and, I do that pretty often, I'm a GIRL) I see a gorgeous face, fabulous hair, contagious smile and a great ass. I allow my eyes to travel over the not so desirable parts. I think that my thought process must go something like this: "It's okay. I know I'm fat. But, look at this OTHER feature that is totally awesome!" I've never really been disgusted by my body. I mean, I've always gotten laid on a regular basis. How gross can it be if someone out there wants to see me naked? Of course, with time and experience, I came to realize that that is some totally fucked up logic. Also, I didn't allow myself to say negative things about my body. I did this to myself, how can I be mad? I wouldn't say bad things about one of my friends, right? Why shouldn't I be nice to myself?

Well, it's time to stop being so damn nice. I've taken off my Denial Glasses and am finally seeing myself in a true light. It's not a pretty sight. I mean, all the good stuff is still there, but it's a bit hidden. I'm looking at myself, I mean REALLY LOOKING and I'm kinda shocked at how different my appearance is from what I thought I looked like to what I really DO look like. I'm not hating on myself. I'm not going to start saying things like, "OMG, I'm such a fat slob!" (Because, really, do I still get to say 'OMG' at age 35? I think not.) I AM saying things like, "Hm. Where did my lap go?" And, "How long have my arms been this jiggly?" And, alot of, "Really?" I know that my body didn't just suddenly change overnight because my clothes still fit me. I must have looked like this for a while now. So, what happened that I went from "Damn, I'm looking pretty foxy today!" to "Holy Crap, I'm really fat!" in just a couple of days? It has to be mental.

I think it was God helping me out. I think that maybe He realizes that I can't fix a problem if I don't see a problem. I'm kinda glad that I can see what everyone else sees. But, now I am concerned that everytime I look in the mirror, my eyes will go straight to the undesirable parts and bypass the perfectly lovely parts. I don't want that to happen, because then I'll feel defeated and I can see a great depression by following that course. I know that too much vanity is not becoming on anyone, but I just need a little. I have to be able to walk into a room with a certain amount of swagger, you know? I can always count on the fact that there will not be a sweeter person in the room. (Would a truly sweet person say that? Hah.) There will probably not be a better smile in the room. There will certainly not be another Diva like me in the room. I have a bit of a sparkle on good days, and I really think that the room lights up just for me.

So, me and my body have some "getting to know you" to do. I'm down with that. I'm not afraid of this anymore. I'm more interested in seeing what develops. (Like great big giant muscles in my arms.)