Saturday, January 23, 2010


I'm amazing. I'm awesome. You may think I'm bragging, but I'm really just telling it like it is. Ready for my announcement? I've been to the gym FIVE times this week! Yes! Five whole times! This week I've jumped over TWO big hurdles. One: I went to the gym after work. Two: I went to the gym before work. Maybe not a big deal to some folks, but a great big giant deal to me. I'm a creature of routine and when I work a mid-shift (ex., 10-7 or 11-8) I don't really feel like going before OR after. It's just the way it is. I can't seem to get out of bed early enough, and then after work it messes with the whole dinner time thing. Last week I went to the gym five times, too, but it was easier. I had three closing shifts, so it's pretty much a no brainer to go before work. And then, I went on my two days off. Also, pretty easy. Fitting in a workout around my work schedule will be challenging sometimes and I want to know in my head that I can do it. Of course, knowing it and doing it are two different things, but this week I did BOTH. Gosh. It's so good to take care of myself.

Wanna know something weird I do in the shower? (With an opener like that, how can you NOT want to know what it is??) When I'm all naked and looking at myself with honest eyes, I give myself a hug and tell my body that I love it. That I'm taking care of it now, and paying attention to all of the great things it does for me. I mean, really. Our bodies are amazing. They do whatever we tell it to do! Imagine having that much control over someone! (As a control freak, I find that very interesting.) I'm very willful, stubborn, and determined. In the past, I've never been able to apply those characteristics to my health. I see a change coming!

I was talking to a friend of mine and said that I had been doing pretty good with going to the gym and then the holidays hit. She was understanding and sympathetic since we both work in retail. "But," I said, "healthy people go to the gym even during the holidays. I'm going to have to start thinking like that." She said, "Who are those people??" I said, "I dunno, but maybe I need new friends!!" Sweetie and I are going to a birthday celebration for his dad this weekend. Today, in fact. When we were making the plans, in my head I said, "I'll have to go to the gym before we go so I can get my five in this week." What??? When did that voice get in there? I LOVE IT! I repeated that conversation to a girl that works for me and she said that the voice belonged to Healthy Diva. I replied that Healthy Diva better hurry up and get buff because all the other voices in there will soon kick her ass.

I sincerely hope that I stay this motivated. Please please please. I'm thankful that I'm on the right path. I'm thankful that I'm even ABLE to work out. Last year, I had back surgery and was basically a prisoner in my own body for months. I swore that I never wanted that to happen to me again. I can't imagine anything worse. I know in my head that I have to take care of this body, this vehicle that moves my heart and soul and thoughts around if I don't want to end up a burden to my family. Plus, and this is a big deal to me, I have to take care of my body so I can do all the cool things I want to do before I die. I want to go hang-gliding! I want to go snow-boarding! Ever see a fat person do those things?? I haven't. :sigh: There's a long road ahead of me. Right this minute, I think that road will be fun to navigate. I know that I won't always feel this motivated. That's when I need my peeps to help me out! So, if you are tired of hearing me talk about my journey to fearlessness, keep it to yourself. I need to keep this fresh in my mind. I need to keep talking about it. I helps keep me accountable.

So, wedding dress shopping will happen in March. Wonder where I'll be then? Trip to Mexico happens in June. Can't wait to see where I am then! It's so freaking exciting!!!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Gloria Gaynor Has NOTHING On Us!

Today, I miss my sister. When I was younger, I lived about two streets over from her and her family and I would go over to her house every single day after school. I would hang out and play with her two sons. The girls weren't born yet. I would escape from my mom to a place where I was understood. It was kinda like my "Cheers." My sister and her husband knew me, they accepted me, and they understood the craziness that was my home life. When my parents decided to move across the country, I was heartbroken. My sister and her family stayed, and we left. She felt abandoned and I felt uprooted. I no longer had a safe place. The house we moved into was SMALL, and in the middle of freaking nowhere. I had no choice but to learn to deal with my crazy, dysfunctional family. We did the best we could.

I've since grown up, made peace with my mom, and learned to love my crazy family. We're all a bunch of survivors, it turns out. As I've gotten older, I've come to understand my parents. I love them more than I can say. I can't imagine my life without them. I know that they love me so fiercely that it causes them to act a little irrational sometimes. What kid can complain that they are loved too much? I've learned to set up boundaries. I've learned to NOT be the peacemaker. I've learned to just accept them for what they are and understand that they are doing the best they can possibly do. It's true.

But, I'm getting married this year. I know. I'm so freaking happy. I can't think about it without welling up. I'm in the planning process, even though the wedding is several months away. My mom isn't able to help me much. I don't mean financially. I mean, she just doesn't know about these things. She isn't very physically capable, so she won't be able to go and do things with me. I'm not even sure that she'll be able to go dress shopping with me. I have mixed feelings about the dress shopping. It's a tradition. I like that part of it. I love the idea of having a gaggle of gals around me in a little bubble of love. The part where I try to find a dress that fits me, looks good on me, and makes me get all giddy inside - that part kinda sounds fun. The part where I struggle to find a dress that doesn't make me look like the broad side of a barn while my loved ones watch - that part makes me want to cry. So, I want my sister with me. She knows of my internal battle with my external self. She LOVES me, most importantly. I think she loves me more than I love me. (Sometimes, I think that's true of everyone I hold dear.) She will tell me, with love, if a dress looks bad or if it looks good. My mom will inadvertently hurt my feelings. She won't mean to, but she will. In such a highly emotionally charged circumstance, it's unavoidable. There will be tears, both happy and angry. I want my sister with me. My ally. Siblings are the only ones that know exactly what you are going through because they lived it, too. I won't have to say a word to her and she'll get exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. My relationship with my mom is worlds apart from her relationship with my mom. There is almost a decade between my sister and I. She is the product of my mom's first marriage. We have different fathers. My mom was a different person when my sister was growing up. That's the topic for another blog, though.

Today, I miss my sister like crazy. I want to go have coffee with her on my day off and talk about wedding stuff. I want to go shopping with her and talk about our mom. I want to have dinner with her and her family and help her wash dishes after so we can crack jokes in the kitchen. I want to be in the car with her so we can sing at the top of our lungs to our favorite country songs. I want to have deep, meaningful conversations with her and then laugh at our own seriousness. I want her to help me with my make up. I want her encouragement. I need her opinion, I want her approval. I just miss her so much! It's horribly unfair that she lives two freaking thousand miles away! I didn't even know how badly I missed her today until she sent me a text message and I burst into tears! Tears! The text message wasn't even mushy, for God's sake. She was talking about jam. I sent her a sampler of jam for Christmas and she was telling me which flavor she likes better. And, I cried. Good grief.

I'm flying my sister out to go dress shopping with me. I'm counting it as a wedding expense. My sweetie thinks that I should just take his sister and save ourselves some dough, but he doesn't get it. He admits that he doesn't get it. He's not mad about this decision, it's just beyond his understanding. He isn't as crazy close with his family. His family is wonderful, and I'm so blessed to have them for in-laws, but they don't have the same bond that we have. My family is different. We're survivors. We survived each other.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Find me Loose Lipped and Laughing

There are friends that I'm genuinely happy for when good things happen to them. Then there are friends that I can't seem to be happy for without FIRST feeling some envy. Or, jealousy. The friend that just got a new house? Jealous. I want a new house. I'm jealous of her new floors, new appliances, new carpet and hardwood floors, and her new car. I comfort myself by comparing myself to my 'friend.' I'm prettier, she's thinner. She's smart, I'm friendly. In general, I'm sweeter. She may have all of these THINGS that I want for myself, but, and this is where I trump her, I'm HAPPIER. I always win. Why does it have to be a competition? I try telling myself that her (or any one's) success does not take away mine. If she's pretty, it doesn't make me LESS pretty. But, I still compare. The friend with the new house should really be working on her relationship. That's the one thing of hers that I do not want for myself. That forces me to ask, if she had a great relationship, would I be jealous of that, too? Maybe not. Mine is pretty phenomenal.

I have a friend that is getting some dental work done. Her smile will be perfect and I'm more than thrilled for her. She's wanted this for as long as I've known her, and that's a LONG time. She's always smiled with her mouth closed because she wasn't proud of her smile. Even on her wedding day, her photos were with a closed mouth smile. Now, my smile is something that I'm vain about, truthfully. It's not perfect, but it's really nice. Usually genuine. I smile with my whole face. It's genetic. Even though I would LOVE a perfect smile, I'm not even a little bit jealous of her. This same friend has an amazing voice. She sings like an angel. Me? I like to sing and I have a decent voice. When I'm alone, I'm a ROCK STAR! I wish I could sing as well as she does, but I'm still not jealous of her talent.

One of my peers at work got a little promotion. Really, just like a half step up. It's a position that I would not want, even as I do want to move up in the company. She is on her way. I think we are pretty evenly matched, but now that she's taken this position, I believe that she will be thought of first when another managerial position is available. That kinda stings. I'm really happy that she took this promotion because I know she'll be fabulous at her job. Honestly, her taking this job makes my job easier! I'm really happy in my current position and I feel that if I never move up, I'll be content for a good long while.

As I'm typing this, basically thinking in print, I realize that I seem to be jealous when someone is BRAGGING about their good fortune. So, the friends that I'm out and out jealous of aren't really my friends at all. True friends tell me these things not because they are trying to make me want what they have, they are sharing their happiness with me because they know I will be cheering them on. They are looking for someone to celebrate with, and I'm always happy to do that.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Hello, Body. It's nice to finally meet you.

Usually, when I check myself out in the mirror (and, I do that pretty often, I'm a GIRL) I see a gorgeous face, fabulous hair, contagious smile and a great ass. I allow my eyes to travel over the not so desirable parts. I think that my thought process must go something like this: "It's okay. I know I'm fat. But, look at this OTHER feature that is totally awesome!" I've never really been disgusted by my body. I mean, I've always gotten laid on a regular basis. How gross can it be if someone out there wants to see me naked? Of course, with time and experience, I came to realize that that is some totally fucked up logic. Also, I didn't allow myself to say negative things about my body. I did this to myself, how can I be mad? I wouldn't say bad things about one of my friends, right? Why shouldn't I be nice to myself?

Well, it's time to stop being so damn nice. I've taken off my Denial Glasses and am finally seeing myself in a true light. It's not a pretty sight. I mean, all the good stuff is still there, but it's a bit hidden. I'm looking at myself, I mean REALLY LOOKING and I'm kinda shocked at how different my appearance is from what I thought I looked like to what I really DO look like. I'm not hating on myself. I'm not going to start saying things like, "OMG, I'm such a fat slob!" (Because, really, do I still get to say 'OMG' at age 35? I think not.) I AM saying things like, "Hm. Where did my lap go?" And, "How long have my arms been this jiggly?" And, alot of, "Really?" I know that my body didn't just suddenly change overnight because my clothes still fit me. I must have looked like this for a while now. So, what happened that I went from "Damn, I'm looking pretty foxy today!" to "Holy Crap, I'm really fat!" in just a couple of days? It has to be mental.

I think it was God helping me out. I think that maybe He realizes that I can't fix a problem if I don't see a problem. I'm kinda glad that I can see what everyone else sees. But, now I am concerned that everytime I look in the mirror, my eyes will go straight to the undesirable parts and bypass the perfectly lovely parts. I don't want that to happen, because then I'll feel defeated and I can see a great depression by following that course. I know that too much vanity is not becoming on anyone, but I just need a little. I have to be able to walk into a room with a certain amount of swagger, you know? I can always count on the fact that there will not be a sweeter person in the room. (Would a truly sweet person say that? Hah.) There will probably not be a better smile in the room. There will certainly not be another Diva like me in the room. I have a bit of a sparkle on good days, and I really think that the room lights up just for me.

So, me and my body have some "getting to know you" to do. I'm down with that. I'm not afraid of this anymore. I'm more interested in seeing what develops. (Like great big giant muscles in my arms.)