Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Safety In Numbers

I have recently discovered how much that phrase means to me. I've also recently discovered how much I want this phrase to mean something differently. I'm overweight. I'm fat. It's okay for me to say that, however it is NOT okay for you to say that about me. I've had this issue my entire life. I forgive myself for being a fat kid. It wasn't really my fault at that point in my life. As an adult, it IS my fault. It IS my problem. I can look at my past and see the why of it, but it's still not an excuse. Several years ago, Oprah Winfrey and I became best friends. She didn't know it, of course, but I enjoyed seeing her everyday. We've kind of drifted apart these days, we don't seem to have time for each other. I credit her for changing my life. She said that when a person is overweight, it is only a SYMPTOM of another problem. (I was also in therapy at this point in my life, funny how I don't credit my dr with changing my life. Hm.) That statement really struck a nerve with me and I began to examine my life.

I came to the realization that I'm afraid. I'm afraid to change. I'm afraid to fail. If someone doesn't like me now, I can tell myself that it's probably because they don't like fat people. I can even allow myself to feel superior to them because I'm not that judgemental of people. I'm CARING, dammit! I can see that I'm physically insulating myself against the world. My suit of armour (fat) is allowing me to be seperate from the rest of the world. It's protecting my feelings. It's keeping me SAFE. I can see that in reality, I'm killing myself. Slowly and deliberately. Why would I do that? Why, when I love my life so freaking much, WHY would I undermine my potential? Because I'm afraid.

So, here it is, world. I'm letting go of these silly fears that have done nothing but hold me back. Bye-bye, self-doubt. Adios, self-consciousness. Toodle-loo. I'm DONE with supporting you. I'm "walking through my fear." I tell myself that all the time. "Walk through it, Diva, walk through it." I am noticing that it doesn't kill me to face a challenge. You know what, though? It's hard. It's damn difficult. I can only hope that it gets easier. If it doesn't, that's okay, too. I can handle it. I'm tough. And, if I'm not tough enough, I soon will be.

I have so many more thoughts on this, but alas, not enough time to devote to it at the moment. This is going to be my forum to type out my thoughts, to discuss things with myself. If nobody ever reads it, it's okay. If someone does and has an opinion or an insight, that's cool, too. We're all in this together and nobody gets out alive, right?? Better make the most of it while we can!