Sunday, June 13, 2010

It's the Little Engine

It's been a LONG time. Yup, it sure has. I'm sorry. I had to decide to take my computer off of life support and it affected me. I'm on my sweetie's laptop. I don't know what I have against laptops, but I don't like them nearly as well. I miss my little, powerful, crazycool Mac. I could get it fixed, I know, but with the wedding coming up, it's just not a priority when I can use the (spit) laptop.

So. It's been two months. What have I accomplished in those two months? Well.. I gained three pounds while on vacation last week. I spent a lot of time beating myself up. I spent much energy berating myself. I have spent maybe half of that energy trying to motivate myself. Hm. My math seems to be off. I've made many wedding plans. I have gained another bridesmaid. I'm totally thrilled about that.

I've decided (again) that it's time for the no-nonsense approach to dieting. I mean, seriously, every breakfast cannot be a Mexican buffet like it was last week. But, oh man, was it ever delicious! Exercise cannot consist of floating around in the ocean, and walking from the pool to the beach to the pool to the chair to the suite. I cannot drink a margarita (or three) every day. Seriously! I have to get into a very fancy and expensive dress soon!

Okay. So, I have plan. Plans are good, right? I cannot continue to make excuses for my bad behaviour. The thing is, I need a plan for my mind as well as my body. The idea is to let go of fear, right? I found that I was a bit afraid while I was on vacation and I had to really give myself some motivational speeches in order to brave the beach and pool area. There are some really beautiful people out there and I felt totally intimidated. But, I finally convinced myself that what those people thought of me didn't even matter a little bit because I will never see them again, right? Right. So, I did it and I have the adorable freckles to prove it.

I have to believe that I DO have the right to try new things and I DO have the right to fail, even. I don't like to fail. I don't like to make mistakes. I have a hard time viewing them as learning experiences. I'd much rather learn from succeeding, wouldn't you? I know that into every life a little failure much fall, but it really sets me back. How do you guys deal with that? (Please don't tell me that I'm the only one with this problem.)

Tomorrow is Monday, but I believe that today is the beginning of the week. I should be in church. I planned to go today, but my stomach started acting weird last night and it carried over into this morning. I didn't want my first church experience involve everyone turning to look at me after my tum made a growly/rumbly noise. So, I'm on a mental diet starting today. NO negative thoughts. Regular prayer. Doing what I know I should even if it hurts. Even if I don't want to. Because, really, Diva, when has doing the easy, painless thing ever gotten you where you want to be? Food-wise, the diet is pretty easy. I'm not on vacay anymore, so I can only eat what I prepare or purchase. I feel pretty golden about that. I'm a little more iffy on the whole mental part of it. Does anyone else have to talk themselves up? What's the deal with that?

I know this post is rambly and weird. I have to get back in the groove. All three of you that read this (if that many) will forgive me, I'm sure. If you saw my adorable freckly face and cute smile you couldn't resist. I will try to post more regularly. Weekly, even. I can do it. (I think I can, I think I can..)

Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Heart of the Matter

I'm pissed off. I'm angry. I'm restless. I went to the gym today, spent an hour working out. I spent a few more hours in the sun, relaxing while my laundry washed. I played with my dog, with the dog next door and basically enjoyed some time to myself. So, where's this hostility coming from? Hell if I know, but here are some ideas.

Is it because a friend lied to me today? Who said one thing and did another? Who didn't think that I'd figure it out? It wasn't just a theory of mine, it was unknowingly confirmed by said "friend."

Is it because Sweetie doesn't seem as consumed by wedding stuff as me? Is it because I seem to be the only one crunching numbers? I mean, I know Sweetie takes care of the big bills. I know that. But, we have committed ourselves now and it's time to make sure that we can meet all of our obligations. I know we can, I know this. I just like to be reassured.

Is it because after six full days without sugar, I gave in and had a couple bites of cake? The immediate headache was NOT worth it. The cake wasn't even that good. Guess I can cross off that bakery from the wedding list.

Is it because I didn't get enough sleep last night? Going to bed in the wee hours of the morning and getting up with the sun doesn't make this Diva happy.

Truthfully, we all know that it's all of these things that makes me unhappy. But, it's the friend that let me down that bothers me the most. I work with the public. I have since I was 20. After all of the thousands and thousands of people that I have encountered, it still amazes me when when someone is rude. I'm still surprised. When someone disappoints me, it's a big damn deal. Sweetie says that my standards are too high. He is quicker to forgive. Basically, I feel that if I (of all people) can be kind, can be polite, can do what I say I will do, then ANYfuckingONE can do the same damn thing. I'm not perfect, I'm not special, and I still manage to NOT freaking lie.

Anyone have any theories on why this bothers me so much? I mean, this lie was about something so stupid, it wasn't even worth lying about. I don't need anyone to protect my feelings by freaking LYING to me. If you don't want to or aren't able to do something just freaking say so already! Be honest. Don't lie to me, ever. Maybe I should say, if you do lie to me, make sure I never find out. Our relationship will forever be altered. Man. I really need to work on that forgiveness stuff.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

They Wobble, But They Don't Fall Down

Today is gloomy. Yesterday was amazing! Sweetie is working. This weekend is shaping up to be awesome. So, today's topic? I'm not sure. A friend once told me that I need to blog more often. "Writers write," he said. Yeah, I know. I'm a busy girl. Sometimes I'm just busy being lazy.

My brain works sometimes even when I don't realize it. Sometimes, seemingly out of the blue, I'll come to a conclusion. Two days after a nothing-special conversation between Sweetie and I, I was working. I stopped dead in my tracks. I could show you exactly where I was and said to myself, "he's going to propose." I talked myself out of it, but it turns out that I was right. I wasn't even consciously thinking about it. I picture the inside of my brain to be full of little Fisher-Price looking people.. you know, kinda like Weebles? And, there are stacks and stacks and stacks of files as tall as the eye can see. There are sohpisticated ladders to reach each file drawer. The file cabinets surround groups of tables and on the second floor there is Command Central. I picture it to look like the airport where they organize all the flights.. kinda like the NASA with screens and switches and technology everywhere. These are the bosses. The guys searching the files are the workers. Equally important, they just have different jobs. So, when I have a question or am trying to remember something, the bosses send word down to the workers and then... They're OFF! Frantically searching, looking through files, papers scattering, until Eureka! There it is! The ANSWER! Then, they radio up to the bosses and the bosses pass the message on to me. Sometimes there just aren't any pressing questions. So, they just randomly pull out files and look at them or they organize the papers from the last big crisis. Sometimes they just have coffee and vending machine snacks and hypothisize on my life. They replay conversations. They look for subtext. They notify the bosses when maybe I should have looked at a problem from a different point of view. They are constantly filling out Correction Of Error reports. I'm continuously receiving information. Once in a while, they say, "Oh.. Lookee here. So-and-so is having an affair. Here's why we think so." Or, "This right here? This is changing. This here X will be a Y in a few days or weeks." I call it my Intuition. I've been told that I'm pretty intuitive. I can "guess" things before they happen. I predict things. However, I can't take all the credit. It's my Weebles. Sometimes, though, the Weebles try to protect me. Sometimes things happen that just totally throw me for a loop. Like when I found out that my brother had a drug addiction? Totally cracked my world. I couldn't believe it. Of course, looking back, you can see all the signs. I wonder if the Weebles have a special task force that say things like, "Nope. This is too damaging. Let's keep this in the dark until she finds out on her own." I wonder if I should call them the Denial Weebles.

Often, I'll have a question that I doesn't get an immediate answer. I picture the Weebles pulling an all nighter while I sleep. I can see a Boss Weeble getting everyone into a football huddle and saying, "Okay. She's sleeping. There are no pressing needs, so let's get this answer!" When I wake, and I'm doing some mundane task like brushing my teeth, I'll say, "Oh, yeah! I remember!" Then, all the Weebles cheer and go to bed while the next shift of Weebles take over.

When I don't go to the gym for two weeks, or blog for weeks.. I think that the motivational team of Weebles must be on vacation. They are sitting on a beach somewhere and they didn't leave enough instruction for the subsitute Weebles. But, I think they're back now. I went to the gym yesterday and I'm blogging today. Okay, so maybe it's not a stellar post and maybe my workout could have been more intense, but I'm DOING it, okay? Shut it, Spuds. Go write about some poop or something.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Dress

So, dress shopping was just as painful as I thought it would be. Racks and racks of size 10 dresses, but only FOUR in my size to try on. :sigh: Glad I didn't try to tell myself that it would be okay. I tried a few on, they looked okay. Not amazing, but suitable. My sister pulled a dress that I thought was gorgeous, but it was a size 12. Bridal dresses run small, y'all! I could maybe get one leg in there. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, but I loved that dress. The consultant wheeled the floor length mirror to the front of my dressing room and I held the dress up to my body. Instantly, I knew. My body went hot then cold then hot again and the tears started welling up. I could feel my face turning red. I couldn't stop looking at myself! I didn't even know that this is how I wanted to look on my wedding day. I turned and saw my mom crying, my sister was crying, and my bridesmaid (who swore she wouldn't) crying. This was the dress. But, I couldn't logically see myself spending this big chunk of money on a dress that I couldn't put on my body. So, I traveled to two other bridal shops and tried on a dresses with a similar style and the same brand, and I think it'll be okay. The seamstress took my measurements and ordered the size that I need. It'll fit the body I have right now. If it doesn't, they can do magical sewing that only she and I will know about to make it fit. Dress shopping took EIGHT HOURS. I was tired, hungry, and thirsty by the time we were finished. I truly believe that I got the right dress. I'll get my beautiful, perfect dress this summer. I may never eat again.

I think I have a photographer. I kinda think I might have a crush on her. We'll meet with her at the end of this month. Next, I have to figure out invitations. Then, the cake. Then, flowers. Then, I hope the rest just falls into place. I'm not scared anymore about the wedding planning. Yay! One fear gone! Now, I just have to maintain my work outs and diet. Not that I'm ON a diet, I just have to watch my diet. Sounds easy, right? :) Riiiggghhhht. I'm excited. I can, I will do this. I can. I will. I'm kinda looking forward to making up new meal plans and trying new recipes. Life is so sweet.

Sweetie and I are so blessed. We got some awesome financial news that we weren't expecting. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Sometimes I think that if you just do what you are supposed to do, if you do what is RIGHT (even if it isn't easy) you'll be rewarded. If you try to be the best you can be, He'll send you help. I don't necessarily mean financial rewards, either. It could be good health, it could be good opportunities, it could be a close parking space at Wal-Mart when you're exhausted after a long day. Or, a rainbow sighting. Or, a random compliment. You get the idea. All of us are blessed. Some of us just don't choose to see it that way.

Okay, I'm out.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Many Questions, No Answers

Hello. So, I've been struggling to make it to the gym five times a week. I had two stellar weeks of five visits.. one week of no visits.. and last week I managed two visits. Let me just say, however, that I WANTED to go three more times last week but I just couldn't. I had some outpatient surgery done and exercise was just not in the cards for me. I have been thinking, tho. Why is it that I can start doing something and then just stop? What is it in my head that convinces me that I don't really need to continue?

I was so excited for Valentine's Day Sunday. Not because of any gifts that I may give or receive, mind you. I was excited that one of my favorite shows was having it's season premier. Ruby. Oh, but I love Ruby. She once weighed 716 lbs and at the beginning of this season she was down to 337 or something like that. She started the show at over 400 lbs. She lives in Savannah, GA and has the sweetest and most annoying southern accent. Anyway. During the show she talked with someone from her local AA chapter who basically told her she was in denial. Hello! That hit home for me. Ruby was talking about how the 12 steps didn't really apply to her. The woman said that once you are sober with the food, the real reason you overeat will come out. I was trying to apply all of this to me, of course, that's what I do. I kinda think that maybe I start a great plan and do very well at the beginning. Then, the emotions start coming out and to silence them, I eat. I stop taking care of myself and start sedating myself with food. Crazy thing is, I never really feel like I binge. I'm trying to honestly look back at my eating habits and see if there are any binges present.. Sure, I can eat a half a bag of potato chips. I can eat a giant bowl of popcorn. I could probably eat a dozen cookies. Okay, as I'm typing this, I'm seeing binges. That's hard. That really sucks. Wow. Fearless, I am not.

So, how do I beat this? The first of the 12 steps is admitting you're powerless against your addiction, right? (Never in my life have I considered myself a food addict.) Admitting I'm powerless is TERRIBLY DIFFICULT for me. Have I mentioned I'm a control freak? Except when it comes to myself, I guess. I like being a boss. I like to be in charge. You will never find someone more prepared than me.

Logically, I know that I deserve to be healthy and that taking care of myself is a worthy endeavor. My brain knows that if I want to live the kind of life that I want to live and be the person I want to be, I must be healthy. But, the voices in my head are working against me. They whisper that I'm not really a good person, that I don't deserve to have a great life. In fact, sometimes I wonder when Sweetie is going to realize that the person he's going to marry is horrible. I know in my head that victims of abuse often blame themselves and think that they are the bad one. (I'm a victim of abuse. I hate the word victim, too.) Logically, I know that's not true. How do I make my brain in my heart get on the same page? How do I silence those voices?? Seriously, food isn't working out so well. I sometimes feel like I'm being torn apart. I feel like there is a horrible battle inside of me and it freaking wears me out.

Reading over what I've written, I feel like a whiner. Like a sad, sad little girl who can't get her shit together. Just stop eating so much, stop making excuses, get your ass to the gym and shut it up, right? I wish it were so easy and it pisses me off that it's not. I have so much anger.

I wish I had a neat and clever ending to this post. I don't. Maybe one day I'll get it together. A girl can dream, can't she?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Girl WINS!

In the epic battle of Girl versus Mother Nature, GIRL WON today! I battled the grey gloomy cloudy day and went to the gym. The elliptical and I were BFF's for 45 minutes. On Sunday, my gym doesn't open until 1, so I thought that getting there fifteen minutes later would be cool. I mean, who works out on Sunday, right? (It was my first time.) That gym was PACKED! I had to wait for a machine, which is rare. I was really tempted to walk out and talk Sweetie into going for a walk in the park, but right when I dialed his number, the gym fairy granted my wish. So, I did it. And, thank you to everyone that left me comments regarding my lack of motivation. Yay!

Sweetie asked me if I wanted to go to church with him today. I've never been to church for a regular Sunday service, but our neighbor is a youth minister and has invited us to visit his church. It was a very nice gesture, and I really did want to go, but you know what? I told Sweetie (in a very nice loving way) that I really needed some alone time. Sweetie is a free-lancer so he works whenever work is offered, but this time of year is pretty slow for him. That means when I'm home, he's home. It's usually a good thing, I love being with him. Good thing, too, since we're getting married and all. But, I'm pretty self-contained and I like to have some time to myself to do whatever I want. I really like to blast music in the house while I putter around and that's pretty inconsiderate, right? Unless it's music that we both like, but that's a slim selection. Anyway, I was alone for hours and I loved it!

My schedule this week allows me to go to the gym at least four times without really having to try too hard. To get my fifth workout in, I'll have to go before or after working a mid-shift. That is still a big obstacle. It's not impossible, just unlikely. I'm trying really hard to change my lifestyle. I'm trying to prove to myself that going before/after work is not that big of a deal. I believe that once it becomes a habit, I'll forget that it was ever an issue. I just wanted to let you all know that I did get back on track and I really and truly appreciate everyone that took the time to drop me a note. That Spuds guy sure is bossy, isn't he? He really is such a love and I'm sure he'll be mad that I said that. I ain't skeered.

Friday, February 5, 2010

True Confessions

So, remember how awesome I was last week? I'm the equal amount of NOT awesome this week. Middle TN was covered in snow, so I used that as an excuse to not go to the gym. I did go for a walk around the block with Sweetie. I was off yesterday, so there was not an excuse to avoid the gym, but I managed to not go. I got my hair done instead. I'm off today as well, but it's raining and I don't want to. The voices are saying, "Look. It's Friday. The week is almost over. Why not just start fresh on Sunday?" (My week starts on Sunday. That's how the calendars are set up, people.) So, here it is. Friday. No gym visits. Also, yesterday? I made two batches of lace cookies. The consist of sugar, corn syrup, brown sugar, butter, and almonds with some flour thrown in. I used pecans on the second batch. If you're not familiar with Lace Cookies, they are like thin little pieces of brittle. Totally yum. There's like four cookies left. :sigh:

I have an appt with the reception people today to sign the contract and give them a deposit. I'm already showered, so I can't go to the gym before the appt. Well, I guess if I'm being honest I should just say that I'm choosing not to go before. I could have. I keep telling myself that I can still go later, but truthfully, I probably won't. It's raining and I have such a hard time getting motivated on rainy days. Seriously. I HATE grey rainy days. It's rained so much that now we have mud. I hate mud. It's damn annoying. I want to just pile up on my comfy seat in my bedroom and organize wedding stuff. I want to go over things and file things and pick out stuff and write lists and visit websites. Basically, I want to wallow around in wedding porn. It's a sickness. I desperately hope that it's temporary.

If anyone is reading this and has any motivating pep talks stored up, feel free to comment me. I may just get so pissed off at myself that I freaking just do it and hate it the entire time. Then, afterward, I can feel all smug and proud. I am a little peeved that so many days have gone by and I've not done a single "healthier lifestyle" thing. I only have a limited number of days before dress shopping! Grrr.

Anyway, that's my true story. Maybe tomorrow will be better.