Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Heart of the Matter

I'm pissed off. I'm angry. I'm restless. I went to the gym today, spent an hour working out. I spent a few more hours in the sun, relaxing while my laundry washed. I played with my dog, with the dog next door and basically enjoyed some time to myself. So, where's this hostility coming from? Hell if I know, but here are some ideas.

Is it because a friend lied to me today? Who said one thing and did another? Who didn't think that I'd figure it out? It wasn't just a theory of mine, it was unknowingly confirmed by said "friend."

Is it because Sweetie doesn't seem as consumed by wedding stuff as me? Is it because I seem to be the only one crunching numbers? I mean, I know Sweetie takes care of the big bills. I know that. But, we have committed ourselves now and it's time to make sure that we can meet all of our obligations. I know we can, I know this. I just like to be reassured.

Is it because after six full days without sugar, I gave in and had a couple bites of cake? The immediate headache was NOT worth it. The cake wasn't even that good. Guess I can cross off that bakery from the wedding list.

Is it because I didn't get enough sleep last night? Going to bed in the wee hours of the morning and getting up with the sun doesn't make this Diva happy.

Truthfully, we all know that it's all of these things that makes me unhappy. But, it's the friend that let me down that bothers me the most. I work with the public. I have since I was 20. After all of the thousands and thousands of people that I have encountered, it still amazes me when when someone is rude. I'm still surprised. When someone disappoints me, it's a big damn deal. Sweetie says that my standards are too high. He is quicker to forgive. Basically, I feel that if I (of all people) can be kind, can be polite, can do what I say I will do, then ANYfuckingONE can do the same damn thing. I'm not perfect, I'm not special, and I still manage to NOT freaking lie.

Anyone have any theories on why this bothers me so much? I mean, this lie was about something so stupid, it wasn't even worth lying about. I don't need anyone to protect my feelings by freaking LYING to me. If you don't want to or aren't able to do something just freaking say so already! Be honest. Don't lie to me, ever. Maybe I should say, if you do lie to me, make sure I never find out. Our relationship will forever be altered. Man. I really need to work on that forgiveness stuff.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

They Wobble, But They Don't Fall Down

Today is gloomy. Yesterday was amazing! Sweetie is working. This weekend is shaping up to be awesome. So, today's topic? I'm not sure. A friend once told me that I need to blog more often. "Writers write," he said. Yeah, I know. I'm a busy girl. Sometimes I'm just busy being lazy.

My brain works sometimes even when I don't realize it. Sometimes, seemingly out of the blue, I'll come to a conclusion. Two days after a nothing-special conversation between Sweetie and I, I was working. I stopped dead in my tracks. I could show you exactly where I was and said to myself, "he's going to propose." I talked myself out of it, but it turns out that I was right. I wasn't even consciously thinking about it. I picture the inside of my brain to be full of little Fisher-Price looking people.. you know, kinda like Weebles? And, there are stacks and stacks and stacks of files as tall as the eye can see. There are sohpisticated ladders to reach each file drawer. The file cabinets surround groups of tables and on the second floor there is Command Central. I picture it to look like the airport where they organize all the flights.. kinda like the NASA with screens and switches and technology everywhere. These are the bosses. The guys searching the files are the workers. Equally important, they just have different jobs. So, when I have a question or am trying to remember something, the bosses send word down to the workers and then... They're OFF! Frantically searching, looking through files, papers scattering, until Eureka! There it is! The ANSWER! Then, they radio up to the bosses and the bosses pass the message on to me. Sometimes there just aren't any pressing questions. So, they just randomly pull out files and look at them or they organize the papers from the last big crisis. Sometimes they just have coffee and vending machine snacks and hypothisize on my life. They replay conversations. They look for subtext. They notify the bosses when maybe I should have looked at a problem from a different point of view. They are constantly filling out Correction Of Error reports. I'm continuously receiving information. Once in a while, they say, "Oh.. Lookee here. So-and-so is having an affair. Here's why we think so." Or, "This right here? This is changing. This here X will be a Y in a few days or weeks." I call it my Intuition. I've been told that I'm pretty intuitive. I can "guess" things before they happen. I predict things. However, I can't take all the credit. It's my Weebles. Sometimes, though, the Weebles try to protect me. Sometimes things happen that just totally throw me for a loop. Like when I found out that my brother had a drug addiction? Totally cracked my world. I couldn't believe it. Of course, looking back, you can see all the signs. I wonder if the Weebles have a special task force that say things like, "Nope. This is too damaging. Let's keep this in the dark until she finds out on her own." I wonder if I should call them the Denial Weebles.

Often, I'll have a question that I doesn't get an immediate answer. I picture the Weebles pulling an all nighter while I sleep. I can see a Boss Weeble getting everyone into a football huddle and saying, "Okay. She's sleeping. There are no pressing needs, so let's get this answer!" When I wake, and I'm doing some mundane task like brushing my teeth, I'll say, "Oh, yeah! I remember!" Then, all the Weebles cheer and go to bed while the next shift of Weebles take over.

When I don't go to the gym for two weeks, or blog for weeks.. I think that the motivational team of Weebles must be on vacation. They are sitting on a beach somewhere and they didn't leave enough instruction for the subsitute Weebles. But, I think they're back now. I went to the gym yesterday and I'm blogging today. Okay, so maybe it's not a stellar post and maybe my workout could have been more intense, but I'm DOING it, okay? Shut it, Spuds. Go write about some poop or something.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Dress

So, dress shopping was just as painful as I thought it would be. Racks and racks of size 10 dresses, but only FOUR in my size to try on. :sigh: Glad I didn't try to tell myself that it would be okay. I tried a few on, they looked okay. Not amazing, but suitable. My sister pulled a dress that I thought was gorgeous, but it was a size 12. Bridal dresses run small, y'all! I could maybe get one leg in there. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, but I loved that dress. The consultant wheeled the floor length mirror to the front of my dressing room and I held the dress up to my body. Instantly, I knew. My body went hot then cold then hot again and the tears started welling up. I could feel my face turning red. I couldn't stop looking at myself! I didn't even know that this is how I wanted to look on my wedding day. I turned and saw my mom crying, my sister was crying, and my bridesmaid (who swore she wouldn't) crying. This was the dress. But, I couldn't logically see myself spending this big chunk of money on a dress that I couldn't put on my body. So, I traveled to two other bridal shops and tried on a dresses with a similar style and the same brand, and I think it'll be okay. The seamstress took my measurements and ordered the size that I need. It'll fit the body I have right now. If it doesn't, they can do magical sewing that only she and I will know about to make it fit. Dress shopping took EIGHT HOURS. I was tired, hungry, and thirsty by the time we were finished. I truly believe that I got the right dress. I'll get my beautiful, perfect dress this summer. I may never eat again.

I think I have a photographer. I kinda think I might have a crush on her. We'll meet with her at the end of this month. Next, I have to figure out invitations. Then, the cake. Then, flowers. Then, I hope the rest just falls into place. I'm not scared anymore about the wedding planning. Yay! One fear gone! Now, I just have to maintain my work outs and diet. Not that I'm ON a diet, I just have to watch my diet. Sounds easy, right? :) Riiiggghhhht. I'm excited. I can, I will do this. I can. I will. I'm kinda looking forward to making up new meal plans and trying new recipes. Life is so sweet.

Sweetie and I are so blessed. We got some awesome financial news that we weren't expecting. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Sometimes I think that if you just do what you are supposed to do, if you do what is RIGHT (even if it isn't easy) you'll be rewarded. If you try to be the best you can be, He'll send you help. I don't necessarily mean financial rewards, either. It could be good health, it could be good opportunities, it could be a close parking space at Wal-Mart when you're exhausted after a long day. Or, a rainbow sighting. Or, a random compliment. You get the idea. All of us are blessed. Some of us just don't choose to see it that way.

Okay, I'm out.