Monday, February 15, 2010

Many Questions, No Answers

Hello. So, I've been struggling to make it to the gym five times a week. I had two stellar weeks of five visits.. one week of no visits.. and last week I managed two visits. Let me just say, however, that I WANTED to go three more times last week but I just couldn't. I had some outpatient surgery done and exercise was just not in the cards for me. I have been thinking, tho. Why is it that I can start doing something and then just stop? What is it in my head that convinces me that I don't really need to continue?

I was so excited for Valentine's Day Sunday. Not because of any gifts that I may give or receive, mind you. I was excited that one of my favorite shows was having it's season premier. Ruby. Oh, but I love Ruby. She once weighed 716 lbs and at the beginning of this season she was down to 337 or something like that. She started the show at over 400 lbs. She lives in Savannah, GA and has the sweetest and most annoying southern accent. Anyway. During the show she talked with someone from her local AA chapter who basically told her she was in denial. Hello! That hit home for me. Ruby was talking about how the 12 steps didn't really apply to her. The woman said that once you are sober with the food, the real reason you overeat will come out. I was trying to apply all of this to me, of course, that's what I do. I kinda think that maybe I start a great plan and do very well at the beginning. Then, the emotions start coming out and to silence them, I eat. I stop taking care of myself and start sedating myself with food. Crazy thing is, I never really feel like I binge. I'm trying to honestly look back at my eating habits and see if there are any binges present.. Sure, I can eat a half a bag of potato chips. I can eat a giant bowl of popcorn. I could probably eat a dozen cookies. Okay, as I'm typing this, I'm seeing binges. That's hard. That really sucks. Wow. Fearless, I am not.

So, how do I beat this? The first of the 12 steps is admitting you're powerless against your addiction, right? (Never in my life have I considered myself a food addict.) Admitting I'm powerless is TERRIBLY DIFFICULT for me. Have I mentioned I'm a control freak? Except when it comes to myself, I guess. I like being a boss. I like to be in charge. You will never find someone more prepared than me.

Logically, I know that I deserve to be healthy and that taking care of myself is a worthy endeavor. My brain knows that if I want to live the kind of life that I want to live and be the person I want to be, I must be healthy. But, the voices in my head are working against me. They whisper that I'm not really a good person, that I don't deserve to have a great life. In fact, sometimes I wonder when Sweetie is going to realize that the person he's going to marry is horrible. I know in my head that victims of abuse often blame themselves and think that they are the bad one. (I'm a victim of abuse. I hate the word victim, too.) Logically, I know that's not true. How do I make my brain in my heart get on the same page? How do I silence those voices?? Seriously, food isn't working out so well. I sometimes feel like I'm being torn apart. I feel like there is a horrible battle inside of me and it freaking wears me out.

Reading over what I've written, I feel like a whiner. Like a sad, sad little girl who can't get her shit together. Just stop eating so much, stop making excuses, get your ass to the gym and shut it up, right? I wish it were so easy and it pisses me off that it's not. I have so much anger.

I wish I had a neat and clever ending to this post. I don't. Maybe one day I'll get it together. A girl can dream, can't she?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Girl WINS!

In the epic battle of Girl versus Mother Nature, GIRL WON today! I battled the grey gloomy cloudy day and went to the gym. The elliptical and I were BFF's for 45 minutes. On Sunday, my gym doesn't open until 1, so I thought that getting there fifteen minutes later would be cool. I mean, who works out on Sunday, right? (It was my first time.) That gym was PACKED! I had to wait for a machine, which is rare. I was really tempted to walk out and talk Sweetie into going for a walk in the park, but right when I dialed his number, the gym fairy granted my wish. So, I did it. And, thank you to everyone that left me comments regarding my lack of motivation. Yay!

Sweetie asked me if I wanted to go to church with him today. I've never been to church for a regular Sunday service, but our neighbor is a youth minister and has invited us to visit his church. It was a very nice gesture, and I really did want to go, but you know what? I told Sweetie (in a very nice loving way) that I really needed some alone time. Sweetie is a free-lancer so he works whenever work is offered, but this time of year is pretty slow for him. That means when I'm home, he's home. It's usually a good thing, I love being with him. Good thing, too, since we're getting married and all. But, I'm pretty self-contained and I like to have some time to myself to do whatever I want. I really like to blast music in the house while I putter around and that's pretty inconsiderate, right? Unless it's music that we both like, but that's a slim selection. Anyway, I was alone for hours and I loved it!

My schedule this week allows me to go to the gym at least four times without really having to try too hard. To get my fifth workout in, I'll have to go before or after working a mid-shift. That is still a big obstacle. It's not impossible, just unlikely. I'm trying really hard to change my lifestyle. I'm trying to prove to myself that going before/after work is not that big of a deal. I believe that once it becomes a habit, I'll forget that it was ever an issue. I just wanted to let you all know that I did get back on track and I really and truly appreciate everyone that took the time to drop me a note. That Spuds guy sure is bossy, isn't he? He really is such a love and I'm sure he'll be mad that I said that. I ain't skeered.

Friday, February 5, 2010

True Confessions

So, remember how awesome I was last week? I'm the equal amount of NOT awesome this week. Middle TN was covered in snow, so I used that as an excuse to not go to the gym. I did go for a walk around the block with Sweetie. I was off yesterday, so there was not an excuse to avoid the gym, but I managed to not go. I got my hair done instead. I'm off today as well, but it's raining and I don't want to. The voices are saying, "Look. It's Friday. The week is almost over. Why not just start fresh on Sunday?" (My week starts on Sunday. That's how the calendars are set up, people.) So, here it is. Friday. No gym visits. Also, yesterday? I made two batches of lace cookies. The consist of sugar, corn syrup, brown sugar, butter, and almonds with some flour thrown in. I used pecans on the second batch. If you're not familiar with Lace Cookies, they are like thin little pieces of brittle. Totally yum. There's like four cookies left. :sigh:

I have an appt with the reception people today to sign the contract and give them a deposit. I'm already showered, so I can't go to the gym before the appt. Well, I guess if I'm being honest I should just say that I'm choosing not to go before. I could have. I keep telling myself that I can still go later, but truthfully, I probably won't. It's raining and I have such a hard time getting motivated on rainy days. Seriously. I HATE grey rainy days. It's rained so much that now we have mud. I hate mud. It's damn annoying. I want to just pile up on my comfy seat in my bedroom and organize wedding stuff. I want to go over things and file things and pick out stuff and write lists and visit websites. Basically, I want to wallow around in wedding porn. It's a sickness. I desperately hope that it's temporary.

If anyone is reading this and has any motivating pep talks stored up, feel free to comment me. I may just get so pissed off at myself that I freaking just do it and hate it the entire time. Then, afterward, I can feel all smug and proud. I am a little peeved that so many days have gone by and I've not done a single "healthier lifestyle" thing. I only have a limited number of days before dress shopping! Grrr.

Anyway, that's my true story. Maybe tomorrow will be better.