Monday, February 15, 2010

Many Questions, No Answers

Hello. So, I've been struggling to make it to the gym five times a week. I had two stellar weeks of five visits.. one week of no visits.. and last week I managed two visits. Let me just say, however, that I WANTED to go three more times last week but I just couldn't. I had some outpatient surgery done and exercise was just not in the cards for me. I have been thinking, tho. Why is it that I can start doing something and then just stop? What is it in my head that convinces me that I don't really need to continue?

I was so excited for Valentine's Day Sunday. Not because of any gifts that I may give or receive, mind you. I was excited that one of my favorite shows was having it's season premier. Ruby. Oh, but I love Ruby. She once weighed 716 lbs and at the beginning of this season she was down to 337 or something like that. She started the show at over 400 lbs. She lives in Savannah, GA and has the sweetest and most annoying southern accent. Anyway. During the show she talked with someone from her local AA chapter who basically told her she was in denial. Hello! That hit home for me. Ruby was talking about how the 12 steps didn't really apply to her. The woman said that once you are sober with the food, the real reason you overeat will come out. I was trying to apply all of this to me, of course, that's what I do. I kinda think that maybe I start a great plan and do very well at the beginning. Then, the emotions start coming out and to silence them, I eat. I stop taking care of myself and start sedating myself with food. Crazy thing is, I never really feel like I binge. I'm trying to honestly look back at my eating habits and see if there are any binges present.. Sure, I can eat a half a bag of potato chips. I can eat a giant bowl of popcorn. I could probably eat a dozen cookies. Okay, as I'm typing this, I'm seeing binges. That's hard. That really sucks. Wow. Fearless, I am not.

So, how do I beat this? The first of the 12 steps is admitting you're powerless against your addiction, right? (Never in my life have I considered myself a food addict.) Admitting I'm powerless is TERRIBLY DIFFICULT for me. Have I mentioned I'm a control freak? Except when it comes to myself, I guess. I like being a boss. I like to be in charge. You will never find someone more prepared than me.

Logically, I know that I deserve to be healthy and that taking care of myself is a worthy endeavor. My brain knows that if I want to live the kind of life that I want to live and be the person I want to be, I must be healthy. But, the voices in my head are working against me. They whisper that I'm not really a good person, that I don't deserve to have a great life. In fact, sometimes I wonder when Sweetie is going to realize that the person he's going to marry is horrible. I know in my head that victims of abuse often blame themselves and think that they are the bad one. (I'm a victim of abuse. I hate the word victim, too.) Logically, I know that's not true. How do I make my brain in my heart get on the same page? How do I silence those voices?? Seriously, food isn't working out so well. I sometimes feel like I'm being torn apart. I feel like there is a horrible battle inside of me and it freaking wears me out.

Reading over what I've written, I feel like a whiner. Like a sad, sad little girl who can't get her shit together. Just stop eating so much, stop making excuses, get your ass to the gym and shut it up, right? I wish it were so easy and it pisses me off that it's not. I have so much anger.

I wish I had a neat and clever ending to this post. I don't. Maybe one day I'll get it together. A girl can dream, can't she?

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