Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Heart of the Matter

I'm pissed off. I'm angry. I'm restless. I went to the gym today, spent an hour working out. I spent a few more hours in the sun, relaxing while my laundry washed. I played with my dog, with the dog next door and basically enjoyed some time to myself. So, where's this hostility coming from? Hell if I know, but here are some ideas.

Is it because a friend lied to me today? Who said one thing and did another? Who didn't think that I'd figure it out? It wasn't just a theory of mine, it was unknowingly confirmed by said "friend."

Is it because Sweetie doesn't seem as consumed by wedding stuff as me? Is it because I seem to be the only one crunching numbers? I mean, I know Sweetie takes care of the big bills. I know that. But, we have committed ourselves now and it's time to make sure that we can meet all of our obligations. I know we can, I know this. I just like to be reassured.

Is it because after six full days without sugar, I gave in and had a couple bites of cake? The immediate headache was NOT worth it. The cake wasn't even that good. Guess I can cross off that bakery from the wedding list.

Is it because I didn't get enough sleep last night? Going to bed in the wee hours of the morning and getting up with the sun doesn't make this Diva happy.

Truthfully, we all know that it's all of these things that makes me unhappy. But, it's the friend that let me down that bothers me the most. I work with the public. I have since I was 20. After all of the thousands and thousands of people that I have encountered, it still amazes me when when someone is rude. I'm still surprised. When someone disappoints me, it's a big damn deal. Sweetie says that my standards are too high. He is quicker to forgive. Basically, I feel that if I (of all people) can be kind, can be polite, can do what I say I will do, then ANYfuckingONE can do the same damn thing. I'm not perfect, I'm not special, and I still manage to NOT freaking lie.

Anyone have any theories on why this bothers me so much? I mean, this lie was about something so stupid, it wasn't even worth lying about. I don't need anyone to protect my feelings by freaking LYING to me. If you don't want to or aren't able to do something just freaking say so already! Be honest. Don't lie to me, ever. Maybe I should say, if you do lie to me, make sure I never find out. Our relationship will forever be altered. Man. I really need to work on that forgiveness stuff.

No comments: