Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Gloria Gaynor Has NOTHING On Us!

Today, I miss my sister. When I was younger, I lived about two streets over from her and her family and I would go over to her house every single day after school. I would hang out and play with her two sons. The girls weren't born yet. I would escape from my mom to a place where I was understood. It was kinda like my "Cheers." My sister and her husband knew me, they accepted me, and they understood the craziness that was my home life. When my parents decided to move across the country, I was heartbroken. My sister and her family stayed, and we left. She felt abandoned and I felt uprooted. I no longer had a safe place. The house we moved into was SMALL, and in the middle of freaking nowhere. I had no choice but to learn to deal with my crazy, dysfunctional family. We did the best we could.

I've since grown up, made peace with my mom, and learned to love my crazy family. We're all a bunch of survivors, it turns out. As I've gotten older, I've come to understand my parents. I love them more than I can say. I can't imagine my life without them. I know that they love me so fiercely that it causes them to act a little irrational sometimes. What kid can complain that they are loved too much? I've learned to set up boundaries. I've learned to NOT be the peacemaker. I've learned to just accept them for what they are and understand that they are doing the best they can possibly do. It's true.

But, I'm getting married this year. I know. I'm so freaking happy. I can't think about it without welling up. I'm in the planning process, even though the wedding is several months away. My mom isn't able to help me much. I don't mean financially. I mean, she just doesn't know about these things. She isn't very physically capable, so she won't be able to go and do things with me. I'm not even sure that she'll be able to go dress shopping with me. I have mixed feelings about the dress shopping. It's a tradition. I like that part of it. I love the idea of having a gaggle of gals around me in a little bubble of love. The part where I try to find a dress that fits me, looks good on me, and makes me get all giddy inside - that part kinda sounds fun. The part where I struggle to find a dress that doesn't make me look like the broad side of a barn while my loved ones watch - that part makes me want to cry. So, I want my sister with me. She knows of my internal battle with my external self. She LOVES me, most importantly. I think she loves me more than I love me. (Sometimes, I think that's true of everyone I hold dear.) She will tell me, with love, if a dress looks bad or if it looks good. My mom will inadvertently hurt my feelings. She won't mean to, but she will. In such a highly emotionally charged circumstance, it's unavoidable. There will be tears, both happy and angry. I want my sister with me. My ally. Siblings are the only ones that know exactly what you are going through because they lived it, too. I won't have to say a word to her and she'll get exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. My relationship with my mom is worlds apart from her relationship with my mom. There is almost a decade between my sister and I. She is the product of my mom's first marriage. We have different fathers. My mom was a different person when my sister was growing up. That's the topic for another blog, though.

Today, I miss my sister like crazy. I want to go have coffee with her on my day off and talk about wedding stuff. I want to go shopping with her and talk about our mom. I want to have dinner with her and her family and help her wash dishes after so we can crack jokes in the kitchen. I want to be in the car with her so we can sing at the top of our lungs to our favorite country songs. I want to have deep, meaningful conversations with her and then laugh at our own seriousness. I want her to help me with my make up. I want her encouragement. I need her opinion, I want her approval. I just miss her so much! It's horribly unfair that she lives two freaking thousand miles away! I didn't even know how badly I missed her today until she sent me a text message and I burst into tears! Tears! The text message wasn't even mushy, for God's sake. She was talking about jam. I sent her a sampler of jam for Christmas and she was telling me which flavor she likes better. And, I cried. Good grief.

I'm flying my sister out to go dress shopping with me. I'm counting it as a wedding expense. My sweetie thinks that I should just take his sister and save ourselves some dough, but he doesn't get it. He admits that he doesn't get it. He's not mad about this decision, it's just beyond his understanding. He isn't as crazy close with his family. His family is wonderful, and I'm so blessed to have them for in-laws, but they don't have the same bond that we have. My family is different. We're survivors. We survived each other.

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