Usually, when I check myself out in the mirror (and, I do that pretty often, I'm a GIRL) I see a gorgeous face, fabulous hair, contagious smile and a great ass. I allow my eyes to travel over the not so desirable parts. I think that my thought process must go something like this: "It's okay. I know I'm fat. But, look at this OTHER feature that is totally awesome!" I've never really been disgusted by my body. I mean, I've always gotten laid on a regular basis. How gross can it be if someone out there wants to see me naked? Of course, with time and experience, I came to realize that that is some totally fucked up logic. Also, I didn't allow myself to say negative things about my body. I did this to myself, how can I be mad? I wouldn't say bad things about one of my friends, right? Why shouldn't I be nice to myself?
Well, it's time to stop being so damn nice. I've taken off my Denial Glasses and am finally seeing myself in a true light. It's not a pretty sight. I mean, all the good stuff is still there, but it's a bit hidden. I'm looking at myself, I mean REALLY LOOKING and I'm kinda shocked at how different my appearance is from what I thought I looked like to what I really DO look like. I'm not hating on myself. I'm not going to start saying things like, "OMG, I'm such a fat slob!" (Because, really, do I still get to say 'OMG' at age 35? I think not.) I AM saying things like, "Hm. Where did my lap go?" And, "How long have my arms been this jiggly?" And, alot of, "Really?" I know that my body didn't just suddenly change overnight because my clothes still fit me. I must have looked like this for a while now. So, what happened that I went from "Damn, I'm looking pretty foxy today!" to "Holy Crap, I'm really fat!" in just a couple of days? It has to be mental.
I think it was God helping me out. I think that maybe He realizes that I can't fix a problem if I don't see a problem. I'm kinda glad that I can see what everyone else sees. But, now I am concerned that everytime I look in the mirror, my eyes will go straight to the undesirable parts and bypass the perfectly lovely parts. I don't want that to happen, because then I'll feel defeated and I can see a great depression by following that course. I know that too much vanity is not becoming on anyone, but I just need a little. I have to be able to walk into a room with a certain amount of swagger, you know? I can always count on the fact that there will not be a sweeter person in the room. (Would a truly sweet person say that? Hah.) There will probably not be a better smile in the room. There will certainly not be another Diva like me in the room. I have a bit of a sparkle on good days, and I really think that the room lights up just for me.
So, me and my body have some "getting to know you" to do. I'm down with that. I'm not afraid of this anymore. I'm more interested in seeing what develops. (Like great big giant muscles in my arms.)
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Sometimes you need to see what we see, too! And it's the smile that says "I may not know you, but you're ok", and its the eyes that smile even when your mouth is saying "I don't understand a damn thing you're saying.", and the way you strut when you walk... its good to be strict and tough, but it's also good to relax and see the "good things" too! We do!
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